


I followed Fires

by basicallymonsters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Phan, Angst, Getting Back Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-21 08:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4821545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basicallymonsters/pseuds/basicallymonsters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They’re no less in love than they used to be - but they’re also stubborn, and pissed, and trying their hardest not to touch each other. (When they do, it’s more conversation than they’ve had in months)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I followed Fires

"You can't just ask me not to care about you," Phil says, and Dan recoils like he's been slapped.

"I'm not, I'm _not_ , I just want you to goddamn act like it, because I can't live here with you looking at me like that. I'm human, okay, I'm fucking human, I'm not immune to my ex crying in front of me-"

"Whoop-de-do, that's fantastic to hear, I'm glad you notice when I'm in about a hundred pieces, you're very perceptive Dan-"

"God, please don't be sarcastic, it doesn't suit you."

Phil glares at him, trying not to retreat into his usual numbness, but he can already feel it creeping in like a sedative.

"I used to think this utter douche-baggery didn't suit you either, but I guess I was wrong," Phil spits, and Dan has the common courtesy to look wounded.

He can see Dan working himself up now, knuckles white mouth set in a sad, hard line.

It's like the telltale smoke and rumbling before a surge of lava, and Phil can tell exactly when he's about to overflow.

He looks down at the kitchen tiling and tries to recede into himself.

"Look, Dan," he starts, voice icy with forced calm, "let's sleep it off, I don't want this to be a routine. I want to be friends."

Dan laughs, a hyena mockery of his usual warmth and Phil flinches, swears he can feel heat as the volcano starts to erupt -

"Friends! Friends like I suggested, like I insisted, remember how I said I didn't want to be without you-"

"Remember how you drove me away anyway, you twat, remember how you broke up with me then made me feel like I had to stay, remember how you said the pressure was too much so you handed it all off to me, do you remember that? You're a child, and you never considered the ways that I was wrapped up in this too, you just snipped off all our ties and then handcuffed me here."

He watches Dan's face crumple, feels it in his _gut_ , but he continues,

"At least the fans don't suspect anything."

Dan goes red, and Phil can tell he's humiliated him. Can tell - even though he's burning with frustration - that Dan really does still care beneath all of this bravado, really did have his reasons, and that Phil may have just stomped on his heart a little.

He starts crying, big, gross rivulets and snot and contorted face, and he starts to turn away from Phil, but Phil knows better, knows he'll wreck himself thinking about it alone, so he tugs on his arm.

Dan yanks himself away but his mouth opens and Phil knows exactly what's coming.

"Oh, what, do you want me to fucking stay, Phil? I thought I was keeping you here? Which is rubbish, it's rubbish, because I told you you could go-"

"I know," Phil says quietly.

"-but no, nono you said you were staying-"

"You asked me to."

"-you said you could do it, you could be a proper friend. Well you're shit at it Phil, you're shit."

"I'm sorry," Phil says, tries to mean it.

"Right, you're sorry, you're always quiet until you're not, and you're a right bastard when you're not, you know that, you act like I never cared about you which is a crock of shit, I do nothing but care about you, god, jesus, do you think I'm fine with this?"

"No, Dan, I just think you're more fine than I am-"

Dan turns bloodshot eyes on him, goes livid-

"Bullshit. Bullshit. I broke it off to protect what was left of us. We were wasting away trying to keep secrets all the time and I wanted to quit before we started keeping secrets from each other, but we were all along weren't we? Playing the cardboard cut out happy boyfriends when underneath we were resentment on top of fear on top of- " Dan breaks off, wiping at the streaks on his face angrily and blinking like he can't get Phil out of his eyes.

"I thought we were happy," Phil whispers brokenly, leaning back into the counter and feeling cold and small. 

He was never supposed to make him feel like that, but it's all they do lately.

Dan breathes out on a sob, and he walks forward a couple of steps, looks agonizingly like he wants to touch him.

"We were. I'm sorry. Of course we were."

"Then why couldn't we work it out, I don't understand, if you love someone you fix it, that's it," he says, frustrated. Dan looks at the floor, brow furrowed.

"It's actually a bit more complicated than what your mum says, Phil," he says flatly. 

Phil grimaces. "Don't talk about my mum when we're fighting-"

"I guess I'll never be mentioning her again, then, will I, " Dan says, voice raising involuntarily. Phil flinches, feeling for all the world like he's lost everything. He raises his face skyward, shakes his head.

"Guess not." 

The kitchen is dead silent and Dan's gnawing his lips now, hands folding and unfolding, looking like he's putting together the next bullet point in this debate, like it's a game that's riding on his next move.

"Goodnight Dan," Phil says before he can do anything. He makes for the door but Dan steps out in front of him.

"Please move," Phil says, voice strained.

"I hate it when you leave mid-fight, I have more to say," Dan says, and he's looming over him a little, with Phil's already abysmal posture weighted down by grief.

"Well I don't want to hear it."

"That's not fair."

"Life isn't fair," Phil says bitterly, shoving past him.

He can feel Dan a step behind him, can imagine his storm of a face, his arms crossed, his stride long, still calculating that next move. He doesn't want any of it, doesn't want to play this game, he just wants to break apart in peace. He can glue himself together before dawn and present himself so that the cracks barely show when he inevitably has to go to work, go outside, go past Dan's bedroom.

Dan's practically on top of him now, and he whips around so they're face to face.

"Could you please, _please_ let me go, I don't know why you insist on making this harder."

Dan's face is practically drooping he looks so wrecked, and his hands are shaking.

"I don't want to let you go," he says, and his voice is quaking to match.

Phil can feel himself stepping further back into himself, and his actual body matches the motion. He feels his back make contact with the wall.

Dan just steps closer, and his hands are almost at Phil's face now.

" _You_ wanted this. You have to. " Phil hears himself say, but Dan shakes his head.

"Maybe I don't," Dan whispers, and Phil can feel it coming, feel the flames licking at his body as Dan leans in to engulf him.

"Dan," he tries, but Dan's hands are steady now, and they're cupping his face, and he's plastering their bodies together, kissing him so hard he feels like his lips are bruising.

Phil can feel himself stumbling out of numbness as he kisses back, lets himself burn instead.

They move together over and over again, clutching all over each other like they're trying to climb inside. Dan's tongue is in his mouth, and his hands are reverent in the way they're caressing him, touching his face and his sides and his hips again and again, a little circuit of his favourite places.

Phil can feel tears on his face and he's not sure if they're his or Dan's, not sure what this means beyond _I still love you_. Because they do, of course they do, and there's maybe nothing they can do about it.

Dan's hands are on his belt buckle and he gives in to it, tugging impatiently at Dan's top in response, waiting for this to feel wrong, waiting for one of them to yell stop.

But they don't, and it doesn't, it feels better than anything he's felt for months. Dan's lips are so warm and kind that he forgets the taste of the bitterness that had been on them twenty minutes ago.

Their chests press together, warm and real, and Dan pulls his face back to look at Phil, stroking over his hair and tears seeping out of the corners of his eyes. He presses the sides of their faces together and they wind around each other, embracing in the stillness.

He can feel Dan kissing his hair and whispering 'I hate this, I hate this' over and over again, and he gets it, he gets it so much and he needs him to know that. So he pulls his face around so he can kiss him, hard, clutching him into his space like they were never apart.

Dan starts to say I love you's instead, every time they pull apart, and Phil can't, literally can't bear to hear that, so he tries to stop pulling away altogether. He backs them into his bedroom and spreads Dan out in front of him, trying to forget the last time they did this, and how good he looks in the wash of green and blue. He ignores his little breathy mantra of love and kisses it off his lips, sucking on his collarbones and the hinge of his jaw and his nipples until he keens.

Dan stops talking after a while, starts whimpering and bucking and swearing.

Phil has maybe never wanted something more than Dan right now, mostly naked and this look on his face that Phil literally dreams about.

Dan ends up riding him, biting his lips and leaning down to bite Phil's, hands splayed across his chest and thighs straining around him.

He says it again when he comes, whispering I love you to the ceiling, arms spasming and giving out. Phil holds him to his chest and thrusts up, joyful in the way that he's not thinking about anything other than the way that that feels.

They mould themselves together and nose along each others necks and faces and hairlines, kissing languidly. Dan presses a hand so hard into his breastbone that he leaves a handprint, and then he rolls away.

Phil watches him go, and he's never felt so charred.

**Author's Note:**

> Taking a break from my fluff and love and warmth and messing up these tiny children. I missed angst y'all. Hope it was interesting, at least!


End file.
